a rose is a rose...

I am ME

In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. There are persons who have some parts like me, but no one adds up exactly like me. I have some parts like others but I don't add up to be exactly like anyone else. Therefore, everything that comes out of me is authentically mine because I alone chose it.

I own everything about me -- my body, including everything it does; my mind, including all its thoughts and ideas; my eyes, including the image of all my eyes behold; my feelings, whatever they may be -- anger, joy, frustration, love, disappointment, excitement; my mouth and all that comes out of it....words, polite, sweet, or rough....correct and incorrect; my voice, loud or soft; and all my actions, whether they be to others or myself.

I own all my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes. I own all my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears.

Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. Being very well acquainted with me, I can love me and be friendly with me in all my parts.

In being well-acquainted with myself, loving myself, and being friendly with myself, I can then make it possible for all of me to work in my best interests.

I know that there are aspects about myself I do not know, and there are parts of me that puzzle me.

As long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for the solution to the puzzles and continually look for ways to find out more about me -- how I look and sound, what I say and do, and how I think and feel.

No one else looks and sounds, says and does, and thinks and feels exactly like me.

However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment is me. It is authentic and represents where I am at that moment in time.

When I review later how I looked and sounded, what I said and did, and how I thought and felt, parts may turn out to be unfitting and I can discard that which is unfitting and keep that which proved fitting and learn something new for that which I discarded.

I am me and I am okay.

I own me and therefore I can engineer me.

I can learn all the new things that I need and discard all the things that no longer fit.

I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I will then have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me.

I am Me and I AM OK.

~ Virginia M. Satir

What are the chances of passing for a man or a woman somewhere in Andromeda (M31)?

Passing thoughts on blending for the transgender M to F person

The practical matters involved in "passing" often challenge persons formally diagnosed as TS, those who may believe they are TS, and a certain subset of transgender individuals generally. This paper is a springboard for thoughts on this important and sometimes difficult to discuss topic.

The list, including a dash of humor, was composed by a client I saw in therapy some years ago. I offer it here, in her words, with some minor editing and with her permission:

“The following suggestions may be helpful to you if you get turned off (and not turned on) by being "read" in public settings. If you feel any of these ideas are silly or plain stupid, just sigh deeply and move on to the next one, or propose an alternative way of looking at things.

To begin then:

1. Effective passing is a workable combination of the correct or appropriate behavior and appearance for the situation, i.e., actions, clothing, makeup, etc. Your ability to relax, feel good about yourself, and blend with your environment is especially important. Attitude helps a lot!

A person who sees or meets you for the first time wants to be able to quickly classify you as M or F. If you’re ambiguous or present conflicting cues expect to make people curious and/or anxious. If a person can't quickly and comfortably classify you into one of these two categories they’ll spend extra time searching your “image” until they’re able to come up with enough cues to make a classification and reduce their discomfort, satisfy their curiosity, etc. They may even ask for assistance in identifying you from someone who is with them. Once they know your gender (they’ll probably think of it as “sex,” but you’ll be wearing clothes, right? So they won’t really know your sex.) then they'll know how to respond to you, e.g., whether to flirt or not to flirt! The worse thing that could happen would be for someone not to precisely know your gender and then make an error in relating to you. This could summon their deepest homosexual fears and send them into a tizzy, perhaps, creating some kind of scene on the very spot, pronto. Maybe they’ll have a seizure, or hemorrhage, or something worse. Spare the public this potential trauma. Find the right cues to feed them!

2. If passing is your goal you must first deal effectively with any distracting hair problems you may have, especially facial and other head hair problems. That may mean electrolysis and a good quality hair piece or wig—or moving to Iran and wearing a veil.

3. You may do best (and learn a lot about styles and how they change, too) if you strive to match "the average woman" in dressing and behavior for your location, age, size, etc. I know you're above average, but you'll just have to pretend! You may pass better dressing-down as compared to dressing-up.

4. It's better to err on the conservative side in clothing, shoes, and makeup. For example, skirts or dresses, knee length or longer will attract less attention. Leave the tight skirts to Tina Turner unless you've got the legs, hips, and butt to fill one—and you're prepared to handle the attention a tight or short skirt generates! Nice slacks or jeans may also work well if you have a butt…or are willing to get one.

5. Conservative, but “in-style,” footwear will work best. Comfortable footwear makes a natural, gender appropriate walk easier. A shoe color that matches or blends with your hose and fits your overall outfit will draw less attention to your feet. Sandals can be quite comfortable, stylish, and make for easy walking. They also have a long season especially here in California.

6. Avoid heavy, especially dark, eye makeup, e.g., black eye liner on your lower lids, gloppy mascara, etc. Ok, go ahead, if it helps you get into your streetwalker fantasy—for your safety and health, though, let's hope it's just a fantasy and nothing more. Don't expect heavy eye makeup to go over real dandy at your local mall unless, maybe, you're a fourteen year old or fixing to catch yourself a man. And yes, some men you’ll catch you’ll want to throw back in the pond, I bet.

7. Easy does it on jewelry—a few pieces of good or better quality jewelry may work best for you. Stay away from cheap costume jewelry unless you want to be a girl clown. Get dressed up, look the situation over, and then take a piece off (maybe, two pieces for you, Laverne).

8. Pierced earrings or clip-ons that imitate pierced ears will help create the needed effect. Drop or dangling earrings don’t look good with glasses (unless you're in Oklahoma!)—stick to studs or button earrings. Not wearing earrings is almost as serious as not carrying a purse—or not having a Visa card!

9. Shorter hair styles tend to be preferred by women as they mature. Few professional women over 40 wear their hair below their shoulders. But as you know almost all men like long hair on women. You may want to avoid the “big hair” look, too.

10. Tall women typically look best in longer hairstyles, e.g., shoulder length. Short hair will make a tall woman look even taller. Conversely, short women look shorter with long hair and taller with short hair. And remember, no hair will make a woman look like Yul Brenner or just plain bald!

11. Avoid garish clothing combinations. Learn to put an outfit together. Learn what styles and colors work best for you. One of the neat things about a nice dress is you don’t have to find a skirt and blouse combination that works—unless you’re one of those folks who wear several outfits at the same time! If you want to look like a caricature of a woman or a clown go to a drag party or waddle off and join a circus.

12. Mind your own business when in public. Avoid unnecessary eye contact. If you're tall, learn to recognize the difference between attracting attention because you're tall, and visually striking, verses getting read because your dress and/or behavior is not congruent with others’ expectations. If you make nervous, wasteful eye contact you may make yourself and others anxious and, perhaps, suspicious. If you make a lot of nervous eye gestures while in a store you might feel you’re being read because others are watching you, especially clerks, while actually they may be checking you out, to see if you’re a shoplifter. On the other hand, make eye contact with salespeople, when appropriate and needed.

13. Practice walking a little slower than you might ordinarily walk. Keep your feet and knees reasonably close together. Walk by placing one foot in front of the other. Point your toes—avoid a duck or pigeon walk. You don't have to walk exactly like a fashion model, but an approximation to that style and less of a walk like a lumberjack or chimpanzee may help.

14. If your hands tend to be on the large side, rings, nail polish, vampire nails, etc. will draw attention to them. So be careful. You don't want a stake through your heart, especially while shopping at Nordstrom's or Bloomingdales! Also, if you do have large hands, carry a large purse.

15. If your legs are still muscular from your days on the Celtics (or was it the Lakers?) wear darker colored hose, i.e., blacks, grays, or the darker flesh tones. Some people may want to wear two pairs. (I'm not talking about four legged folks here.) Also, black shoes generally go best with black hose. Stay away from black hose and those white or red pumps that light-up your feet!

16. Some clothing is almost always in-style, for almost anyone, e.g., a nice medium length skirt. On the other hand, certain other clothes are currently out-of-style or don't look good for some reason, e.g., a mini skirt on most 35+ year old women. Remember if you wear, e.g., 50's or 60's, etc. style clothing in 2006 you may attract attention you don't want. So determine what you want and find out what works best for you.

17. If you need or want plastic surgery you may want to use your money and time for something that will more immediately help you pass, e.g., a nose or jaw job or apple shave rather than breast implants. On the other hand, if implants will help you feel significantly better about yourself and raise your self-esteem, they're probably worth it. Ask lots of questions. Check around, talk to others who have had the procedure, and get the best surgeon you can.

18. You’ve noticed women typically talk more than men. Hence, work on your voice if you intend to talk to people. Practice with a tape recorder, shadow women talking on radio and T.V., get an evaluation and recommendations from a speech and voice specialist. Call 800 numbers for free practice talking to people on the phone. If your work involves lots of talking on the phone with clients, business associates, etc, you'll want to get your phone voice together real quick. If you don't intend to talk to people you might want to consider moving to another planet or hop in you time machine and be a silent movie actress.

In addition, don't forget to work on your nonverbal behavior, e.g., eye contact, posture, hand and facial expressions, etc. which is very important in communicating your gender in face-to-face conversations. If you can learn to feel comfortable talking to a person one-to-one it can be the basis on which future relationships are built. This face-to-face relating to another person can often be developed as you work with a good therapist in building your presentation as a woman or man over a period of months or even several years.

19. Exercise, workout. You'll be healthier, look better in your clothes, and feel better about yourself. Regular exercise can help reduce stress and depression, too.

20. You may be fat, short, tall, or not particularly beautiful, but you may still pass if you work at the essentials and have enough time and money (for electrolysis, etc.) to take the steps that becoming a woman (or man) involves. Looking like a Bozo is much easier than building a passing image or presentation. It's trite but true; women and men come in all shapes, sizes, and styles. There may very well be a look that will work for you. Search for it.

21. Practice will produce improvement. Socialize and grow. You’ll get better with experience. Stay at home and stay where you are! Set small achievable goals for yourself. Be patient. Go slow. Be realistic. Be kind to yourself. Revise plans as needed. Always have a Plan A and a Plan B.

22. If you look as good as you can, or reasonably close to it, and feel good about yourself, you'll enhance your chances of doing well in public. A licensed therapist, well experienced in the gender area, might be able to help you understand yourself, assess your motivation, and assist you in formulating goals and developing plans. Ask yourself: Given what I've got, and what's possible for me, what do I need to do to develop my potential and maximize my image? You may find that you can fit in and, in the process, build yourself a better life.

23. When things go well for you say something nice to yourself, give yourself a word or two of praise, produce a positive thought. Give yourself compliments and avoid destructive forms of self-criticism. Occasionally, give yourself some sort of treat, maybe even buy yourself something! Work at reducing those negative or critical thoughts. You've probably already had much more than your share of negative or critical comments in your life from others, who don't understand you. Don't add to them. Spend time with people who treat you well and appreciate you. If things don’t go as well as you would like, learn from your mistakes, then produce positive change. Talk things over with friends. Setbacks occur for everyone. Bounce back, get on track.

24. You might want to learn to practice meditation at home as another way to help you relax and reduce stress when you're out in public. Use a phrase that includes your name as your mantra, e.g., “Relax Rhonda,” (of course, if your name is Ruby Begonia, just say “Relax Ruby”). Then repeat that phrase to yourself when you're in a public setting and you feel a little tense or anxious. You'll relax, feel a lot better, and gain even more control of your life.”

* * *

Notice the author uses the words “pass” or “passing” in the list above. How do you feel about this? Is it better to think of striving to “blend” with other women or men? What’s the difference between “passing” and “blending?” What do these two words mean to you?

I'd love to have you add to this list. The preceding is just a start. Share your experience and creativity! I'm confident people ranging from beginners to those living full time in their preferred gender roles for years all have something to add. I'll bet this list could be hundreds of items long and wonderfully helpful for those changing gender roles.

In addition, what would a list exclusively devoted to FTM spectrum persons be like?

An animal has a sex, but does it have a gender?

That's not pucker paint on our camel. Ms. or Mr. (?) camel just finished a bowl full of berries.

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What do you do for fun?
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bike riding skiing photography reading cooking sewing

gardening driving shopping computing dancing football

tennis sex walking boating decorating writing painting gaming

raising animals astronomy rock climbing traveling music watching

TV singing acting building fishing bowling horseback riding

talking swimming hiking motorcycling studying surfing

designing playing chess golf softball jogging drawing

eating flying night clubs playing with pets collecting . . .

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Which ones? How often?
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A person who doesn't have a balanced life, for example, work, recreation, and other activities, may gradually come to experience what is often called ordinary or garden variety depression. Significantly reduced or increased appetite or sleep, listlessness, a lack of energy or interest in life, sadness, blunted or constricted emotions, a general slowing in responsiveness and activity, trouble doing routine household tasks, and so on are characteristics. High drive college students, professionals, and others who devote nearly all their energies to achievement and accomplishment may gradually come to experience ordinary or garden variety depression.

Persons with a history of gender dysphoria also often report depression, or sometimes, even more serious forms of a deeper depression. That state typically leads to a reduction in the quality of life and problems functioning. Regularly engaging in recreational or fun oriented activities, especially those that involve some vigorous movement for an extending period of time, say, 45 minutes or so per day, or at least several times per week, may contribute to a reduction in some forms of depression. When this approach is indicated, a person shouldn't expect results immediately; it may take a few weeks or more to show positive results.

In other words, doing fun activities may contribute to a sense of well being and can help a person construct a life that works, a life that provides a sense of quality, peace and happiness. I must add, however, some depression is the result of events other than restricted lives; such things as lack of work, relationship problems, physical illness, or perhaps the loss of a loved one. There also are biologically based forms of depression involving a chemical imbalance in one's brain that in most cases is probably inherited. These types of depression are often deeper, recurrent and may only yield to more aggressive forms of treatment such as psychotherapy, often combined with antidepressant medication, prescribed by a physician, typically a psychiatrist.

In general, depression is probably the most common form of emotional distress people experience. It's something we all experience from time to time. However, it's treatable. But it's important to remember, for some forms of depression, professional help is essential.

What do you do for fun?

a touch of spring in berkeley

Where Am I On The Gender Spectrum?

People of almost any age, sometimes as early as age 3, may be uneasy or seriously unhappy with the gender role their parents and other agents of socialization (relatives, teachers, neighbors, and other members of the person's community) have attempted to encourage. They may be seen as significantly gender variant. They are typically and fundamentally unhappy with the social gender role or gender expression expected by parents, teachers and others who have known them since an early age. If this situation persists, the person may eventually be diagnosed as showing what therapists have historically referred to as "gender identity disorder." However, another way of looking at this is that it is actually others who are unhappy with the person's gender expression. Others seek to shape the person as they feel they should be rather than respect them as they are. What is commonly referred to as gender is actually a spectrum of feelings, presentations, and actions found in males and females in different places and times.

Many reflective people have probably wondered what it is like to be a member of the "other" gender; if a woman, what it is like to be a man, and if a man, what it is like to be a woman (although in general, fewer men tend to publicly acknowledge cross gender speculations). Some have carried opposite gender desires a step further, and may have actually experimented with changing gender roles, perhaps after discovering, in extreme cases, that their personal experience of gender does not match their genital sex and the gender role or expression assigned or expected since birth.

Hence, the significantly gender variant child, adolescent, or adult typically shows an orientation commonly found in what is ordinarily called the "opposite" gender. Because this sometimes generates confusion and fear in others, people who are markedly gender variant may suffer discrimination and pain. This may be inflicted by others who hold rigid, polarized, two gender world views concerning how others should act or behave. These negative, painful reactions to one's behavior may contribute to significant impairment in a person's ability to function in his or her social, educational, and work settings. The anxiety and stress produced by rejection and gender expression or role censorship can be profound. Professionals, specializing in gender issues, now know there are a variety of ways to handle such situations. Parents, for example, can be educated regarding raising a child with mixed or alternative gender expression. An adult, who is markedly gender variant, may seek other ways to live his or her life. A person can hence explore other paths with less pain and more opportunity to develop one's potential.

In other words, individuals who are uncomfortable with their gender may explore a spectrum of alternative gender roles or expressions. Or, perhaps, using another approach, a person might blend gender roles, or make small changes in one's current gender expression to gain a degree of comfort.

On the other hand, changing gender expression is often an emotionally tumultuous and risky venture. Hence, some may find it desirable to delay or postpone any form of change. It is also possible some individuals may have discovered unique ways of dealing with gender expression presently unknown to professionals.

Ambivalence regarding one's gender role may also be a major factor in the generation of conflicting emotions. Some individuals with significant gender issues occasionally feel significant conflict with their motivations to change or accept their socially assigned gender role. They may discount their feelings or reject their motivations to adjust or change. Denial or suppression of feelings is common. Exploring feelings of shame, self acceptance, feelings of ambivalence, or self-loathing, in therapy or counseling may help a person achieve some resolution and obtain a measure of peace. Sometimes a starting point is asking: 1) What do I want? 2) What must I do to accept who I am? And, 3) Is my gender negotiable; do I want to live my life for myself or others?

Furthermore, almost without exception, gender expression and role issues are very difficult for families, spouses and significant others to understand. Hence education is essential. In addition, counseling and connection with support groups for significant others may help reduce the stress and confusion a family experiences as a person explores issues and finds a life path that works.

Twenty or so years ago, mental health professionals tended to see the "gender dysphoric" population as often having significant psychopathology and mainly composed of those with extreme internal pressure to surgically change sex. In contrast, today we recognize persons with gender expression and role differences compose a very heterogeneous population with a variety of personal issues. There are many different paths available to these persons who, as a group, are now often referred to as transgender. Gender variance is a fundamental characteristic of people around the planet and we are increasingly aware of it.

In some cases, a person may feel better making subtle changes in one's gender role. For others, a part time exploration of a different role (perhaps while participating in a transgender social and support group) might produce valuable information concerning what needs to be done. For still others, comfort might be obtained by transition from a masculine to a full time feminine gender role, or the reverse.

A person might use a variety of strategies or technologies to change his or her appearance and behavior. For instance, a person may access the powerful technologies of behavior change, hormone therapy, and plastic surgery to closely approximate the target body and gender of the preferred sex.

In other cases, one might use some, but not all, of these various technologies or change procedures. For example, a person might experiment or play, part time, with dressing as a member of the other gender and, with time, learn to feel good and accept oneself as a cross dresser. Still another person might do this full time, including working as a woman or man, perhaps while taking hormones associated with the experienced gender. Sometimes marked discomfort with one's body is a central component of one's experience. Hence, some might find it very important to have surgery so their inner experience, sense of self, social role and body all match as closely as possible. In essence, in the latter case, a person makes the outside (appearance and behavior) more closely match the inside (sense of self). Many experience new feelings and emotions as they change in multiple ways.

Hence, presently, it is clear there is really a spectrum of people who seek help dealing with different levels of gender role concerns. In many cases the various feelings that motivate significant gender expression or exploration are profound and life long. Many are searching for solutions to their gender issues. A common characteristic is that all seek life paths that will work for them. This article is for those persons (and interested others) as they embark on a journey to explore possible solutions and find a gender expression that fits.

Disclaimer: This site should not be viewed as providing therapeutic advice. The material is presented without profit or monetary gain and should not be used as a substitute for a formal medical/psychological diagnosis or treatment with a qualified professional. Copyright Statement: Material in this blog is for information and educational purposes only. This is in accordance with Title 17 U.S. C. section 107. The content of the postings do not constitute endorsement of the articles by Dr. Auge; Point of view, critique or opinion articles may also help educate interested readership about contrary and unfavorable positions. It is important to be aware that what is often regarding as "truth" or "reality" is a function of time, place and circumstances. Dr. Auge does not warrant the completeness, correctness, timeliness, usefulness or accuracy of any of the information provided herein. You should not rely upon this information as a substitute for consultation with a qualified physician or mental health provider prior to starting any treatment or if you have any questions related to your health, physical fitness, psychological or medical conditions. Reading or using the material on this site, without being a formal client of Dr. Auge, does not constitute the establishment of a client / therapist relationship with Dr. Auge. Practice good judgment and discuss your concerns with a qualified licensed therapist experienced in working with clients on gender related issues.

Blog design concept © (2006) by Rebecca Auge, Ph.D. All rights reserved. No claim to other authors' works is intended or implied. Dr. Auge is a licensed psychologist (PSY 6644) in California with specialties in relationships and gender related issues, assessment, therapy, and consultation. If Dr. Auge's name and address appear with the article, a complete article published on these web pages and authored by Dr. Auge may be reprinted in nonprofit organizations' newsletters. Please do not quote portions of articles out of context. Other publications must obtain written permission from Dr. Auge to reprint articles. Please send a copy of your gender / transgender related publication / URL to Dr. Auge.